Re-Defining Baseball Sex

Home Run
Baseball.  It’s a game many of us play in our teens when our hormones begin to percolate and awaken our pubescent sexuality.  Suddenly something that may have possessed zero interest becomes a watershed euphemism for new sensations to tantalize our young bodies and minds in which every social opportunity now means a chance at bat.

Without any specific “schooling”, we know to round the bases in an ascending numerical path around diamond points to convey the extent of our novel antics  – 1st: kissing/Frenching primed lips and tongue, 2nd: rubbing chesty/pecty/belly bits north, 3rd: stroking doodads under undergarments south, and 4th: sliding deliriously into home.  Its more like a junior “Tough Mudder” obstacle course for the advent of our burgeoning adulthood where the frisky fuego that consumes us tests our strength and mental grit to resist further temptation.

And then we “playback” the innings to our friends with “post-game” analytic precision, comparing notes in colorful “moment byBats moment” glory.  We might even strategize whether to round the subsequent base next time we come up to the plate.  It’s all a rather titillating expedition to places we’ve never been, experiencing things we’ve never known.

But what if we were taught to round the bases a bit differently?  What if they were more of a discovery to our maturing selves rather than a quest for shedding our inexperience?  And then what if we were taught to take a route that was less of a metaphor for sex, and more of a pathway to truer love?

As a teen, The Kissing Expert was pretty obsessed with “baseball”, and relished “Saturday Night Light” games played in the homes of MIA parents.  In the days leading up to the first pitch, TKE would sit in Math class, plotting a floor map of nooky corners for her fellow teammates (rather than the x/y axis on a graph), with the thoughtfulness of a maître d seating VIP’s.  It was all deliriously fun!

Reflecting though now in a “What would you tell your younger self knowing what you know now when it comes to romance?”, TKE would suggest not rushing the bases, but relishing the experience.  With everything always moving so quickly today, and the pressure young people feel to come into their sexuality all at once, TKE would encourage rounding a slightly different set of bases:

1st Base – The Brain: In those first couple of innings, explore what makes a person tick, as that’s where deep, meaningful Brainattraction really begins – in their wit and good humor…their intelligence and compassion…and their empathy and honesty.  Syncing on 1st can mean a much higher probability for a win.  But if the brain has the agility and muscle functionality of an intercom vs. an iPhone, forfeit the game, no matter how “easy on the eyes” and sleek the packaging design might be.

2nd Base – The Lips: Assuming that like-minded connection on 1st, slide into 2nd for some lip Lipspractice. With kissing being the barometer for sexual compatibility, TKE recommends spending a decent amount of time enjoying the excitement and urgency of it.  2nd base is also a good place to
watch the field.  You’ll probably find yourself warming towards 3rd, but be sure you are ready to commit before prematurely stealing the base.

3rd Base – The Heart:  With sympatico mind flow, and lips insatiably tingly sexy, the heart comes to the mound, and takes over.  You may find yourself pondering this person 24/7, wanting to be the first Heartto wish them a good morning, and the last to say sleep tight…You may want to help them, please them, even appease them in the spirit of compromise, be it “Italian” or “Mexican”, or binging on Netflix.  You see the next season, and the season after and the season after that with them, maybe too even slipping that coveted “Series” ring onto your/their finger.  On 3rd, baseball gets real – its no longer a game…it’s your chance up at life.

4th Base – Paradise:  This is where the love you found on 3rd transports you into a heavenly Paradisedimension not unlike the spiritual realm of Dante’s Paradiso…This is when the greater world around you seems to no longer be as your collective one is the only one that matters…And being near them fills you with a state of peacefulness and sense of safety you have never known…that’s when you know you’ve made it home…

Now with all this reflection, TKE is not advocating for a boycott on “baseball” as its universally known (heck, the crazy fun of those experiences is what in part cultivates perspective), but it seems re-defining baseball could mean a deeper sense of happiness…And ultimately a better chance at scoring a home run in romance than striking out!

Happy Baseball Kissing!


The Kissing Expert